How did I get here?

Like most working moms, I didn’t foresee this.  The feelings of being overworked, spread too thin, failing at everything, anxious, exhausted, upset, and angry weren’t in my “plan.”  I achieved a successful career, I became a mom, and I had a good husband, but I never really thought of what the day-to-day of motherhood would be like.  Why is that?  We are told (by society) to go to school, plan our career path, meet a man, then start a family.  Why does the family part seem to be an afterthought?  It hit me one day that I didn’t want my tombstone to read, “she was a damn good loan officer.”  My family is what matters most to me.  I want to be remembered as a wife and mother who loved God and gave everything she had to her family and those around her, but how could that be possible if they were always getting only my leftovers?  

Women are fed this BS lie that we can have it all.  And from my personal experience, you absolutely cannot.  When we realize that we are falling short in everything and that we are not superwomen, then we feel like we cannot live up to what society says that we can and SHOULD be.  This results in feelings of depression and isolation when we compare ourselves to the fake superwoman personas that we see on television and social media.  And so, the vicious cycle begins.  We start to post the “perfect” moment highlight reels on our Instagram while leaving out the reality of what the day-to-day looks like, and we contribute to this giant lie.  We lie to the world, and we lie to ourselves.  For me, I had to stop lying to myself first.  That is a tough pill to swallow because if you are going to be truthful with yourself, then change must follow.  Now that is the hard part.  

So, what do I do?  Do I sacrifice my career? The thing that has been my identity, that all of my planning and preparation in life have built up to.  No, surely that cannot be the answer.  So, I exhaust every possible option to maintain my career while also being a wife and mother.  A revolving door of nannies, daycare, babysitters, you name it, I’ve tried it.  And yet, I kept ending up in the same place I began.  After more than a year of agony, my husband and I decided together that I would quit my job and be a stay-at-home mom. To be continued….