How did I get here? Pt II
After trying every possible option I could think of to hold it all together (being a working mom and a good wife), I arrived at the same conclusion. This isn't working and we are all suffering. So why am I still trying to force it, expecting a different outcome each time? Is it money, my potential loss of this "identity" I believe I've created in my career, or am I just scared? If I'm being completely honest, it is probably a combination of the three.
I am proud that I have been financially independent since leaving my parents’ home. Money also provides freedom and opportunities. A large part of my identity is wrapped up in the career that I have built. I am absolutely terrified of starting a job that I know nothing about, I'm not an expert at, and having to rely on my husband for total financial support. It's a very humbling pill to swallow. However, we could not continue down the path we were on without major consequences, so something had to give. It was time. I knew it and so did Luke. The next step was breaking the news to my boss. He was sad, but took it very well overall and said he would do anything he could to support me. That was a huge relief. Also, not what I expected because our society tells us that men just want to "keep us down" blah blah blah. My experience within my career couldn't be more opposite. My boss told me that I was making the right decision for my family and that he was proud of me. He also told me not to look back and give it my all like I had in my career.
So here we are. I will officially be a stay at home mom beginning in January and I've been backing off of work the last two months. The transition has been difficult and rewarding so far. Luke jokes that he's had more home-cooked meals in the last two months, than the entire time we've been together (but he's accurate). I feel like I'm getting to know my kids on a whole new level. This saddens me because I am realizing how much that I missed out on while they were with nannies, babysitters, and at daycare previously. It also makes me so thankful that I have the opportunity to do this and gives me the motivation to do my best and not screw it up. I am learning who I am without my career. What do I like, how will I spend my time, who do I want to become?
The money part.....well, I haven't quite mastered it yet. We're still trying to figure out what is reasonable, and what makes the most sense for our dynamic. It didn't help that Christmas fell right in the beginning of "learning" how to do this. We will start the year fresh and try to establish a new baseline. The day-to-day schedule has also been difficult so far. My hope is beginning the new year, we can get into a good rhythm and nail down a daily schedule that we stick to. It has also been challenging trying to figure out what my new role/job description is within the home aside from taking care of the children.
Overall, I am at peace with the decision that we made (and I haven't been able to say that many times in my life). I am thankful, excited, and motivated. I have SO much to learn, but I am ready. I'll be honest about my successes and failures. We can laugh, cry, learn and grow together along the way. I can promise you that I will not be a conventional stay at home mom because that's not me, so maybe I'll provide some entertainment as well. I hope you join me for the ride.